Feeling better for some reason today. Not sure why. Talked to Sarah some yesterday. Maybe that had something to do with it. Very sad that she is moving to Texas, but very happy for her that she is happy.
Actually got out of bed this morning, not feeling completely overwhelmed and sad. And they still haven't come to visit. I keep waiting for them. Maybe this episode is waning. It was definately stress induced, and the stress is still very real. But the up and down, and mixed, may be slowing down. I am sleeping without any help for the last few nights. I'm starting to recognize signs and patterns. That alone is helpful.
Going to houseclean and pack up some things to go to storage. When we have to go, I want to have to move as little as possible. I think one of the biggest stressors right now is the not knowing. Not knowing when my brother ( who is Power of Attorney and controls everything now ) is going to make us leave and how he will do it. I keep expecting a police officer to show up on the door step and say we have to go - now. That is my worst fear. So we need to get everything out or ready. I know my brother will not give us a heads up and will make it as horrible and difficult and painful as possible. He had the electricity shut off when it was 113 degrees. With no warning. I guess I should call him her child. Not my brother. Cause he isn't and never was. Even if we had to get up and go and go to Royce's mom's house, as horrible as that would be, at least there would be some peace of mind about not being kicked out.
The last time I saw my mom, a few days ago, she told me, through tears, that if she could pick any of her kids (Bobby, Peggy, and me) that she would pick me and that she considered me her first born. I know she is confused, but I needed to hear that. She told me that "Bobby just isn't a nice person anymore." And that she "doesn't trust anthing Peggy says anymore." I asked why. She said, "Cause I don't like her attitude." She said she wanted a new Power of Attorney. But its too late. She can't make her decisions anymore. He and Peggy don't even want to tell me which group home she will be going to permanently and don't want me to ever see her. This also is my biggest fear. That I won't know where she is. She cried and cried, and so did I. She took my hand and grasped it, crying, telling me that I will never know how much she loves me and made me promise that I loved Jesus and that I will live to see my children grown and make sure they are ok. I promised her everything she needed to hear.
The nurses told me today that when I'm not there she yells and calls my name over and over. Never Peggy's. And when Peggy is there, Peggy asks my mom if my mom knows who she is, and Mom says "Barb."
BAZINGA - I'm the favorite now.
I fought with her. She fought with me. We hated and loved each other deeply, at the same time. She wanted to change me. I wanted to be accepted. Neither happened. I never grew up, she never stopped playing Mommy. She carried me for so long. And I let her. Many words were spoken that shouldn't have been. Many, many regrets later. And now I know the regret is on both sides. But we have made peace with each other. I have forgiven her and she has forgiven me. That is one thing that is very clear.
Peggy hadn't seen my mom for a year, up until this happened. And Bobby saw her 6 years ago when my dad was dying, and before that a few times in 30 years, after he left the house at 14 to go to Academy.
I've never cut the unbilical cord. Yes they exist even in adoption :) I never made or let myself be independent of her, and lived with her this last year. And before that, right behind her for 10 years, or just down the street. Never away for more than a few days, after an argument.
I know I fought with her. And if I could go back I would. But I was also the one who was here with her when she had cancer, when she broke her knee cap, and every time she fell. And each time, the arguments and issues ceased, and we went into a different mode. And I know that after my dad died, that she stayed alive for my kids. They were her only will to live. She saw them everyday. Ryan slept by her every night. These last few years, she saw me go in and out of the hospital. Never asking or inquiring, which I took as noninterest. But took care of me when I got home and my kids while I was gone. She knew I was sick, and knew it was bad. She was trying to take care of me these last few years because of it. Bobby and Peggy think all I did was take advantage of her. Thats why they hate me and want to keep me away from her now. But they can never know what was going on, or the dynamics. I wasn't always right, and often wrong. But I needed her, and she knew it.
And I'm the fave now.
:)
Maybe I always was.
Monday, August 13, 2012
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