I'm starting to wonder what kind of Karma is coming back to me, and what I did in a previous life to bring it to me. And things definately come in threes. My mom. The accident. And now the nursing thing. If and when I get above all of it I will be very impressed with myself. I keep telling myself things will get better. They have to. I know people have done worse things and come back, and have been through worse things and come back. That is logic. But logic is a stranger in my brain. Only peeking around the corner with medication.
I say the Karma thing mostly in jest. For one thing, technically, Karma only comes in your next life, not this soon. If you believe in Karma. But mostly, I know my situation cannot be blamed on something like karma. Its the results of bad decisions that caught up with me. And I'm finally starting to believe that those decisions happened because of being sick. I know they did. Especially after educating myself about it.
Learning about it is bittersweet. It helps to understand it, but it makes me realize how really sick I am. I don't want to think that is true. That its just a little setback. But realistically speaking I'm very sick. I have medication and education now, but now is when all the consequences are catching up to me. My finances, my security, my relationships, my home, my job. All of this. Gone. I have to let myself attribute these decisions on my illness.
So here in Crazyville I'm pretty miserable and drowning. We are determined to dig ourselves out of this. I am very very lucky that I have a husband who still loves me and is here. And that I still have my kids. We are still a family together. I haven't destroyed that. They love me, despite everything, and I am very lucky.
Whether anyone is reading this or not, I don't think that is why I am writing. I just need to. Anyone who wants to talk, I need it right now. If you know how to find me on here, I know I must want to talk to you.
I'm sorry for the things I've done. But I am going to quit saying it everyday. I remember growing up, I was taught that if you didn't repent for your sins before you fell asleep, and didn't wake up - you would be unsaved and eternally damned. If you didn't repeatedly, everyday accept Christ you were unsaved. I remember this scaring the hell out of me. That thought of losing eternity. Of looking out the window and seeing any airplane in the sky at night, and physically feeling fear, thinking it was the Second Coming and I wasn't ready.
This is a very self-defeating mindset. And I have to quit doing it in this situation. I've told everyone, including myself, that I am very very sorry. I need to quit saying it. I meant it, very much. And now I need to go on. As someone recently said to me, stop having a pity party. I feel like if I don't say it, everyday, I'm showing no remorse. And I have so much. But if I am forgiven, by everyone else, and that is what they are telling me, and by myself, I don't need to keep saying it. I'm sorry. There. Thats it.
I am realizing the extent of the damages of this illness. I've lost everything. Accept my family. Everything else. I recently learned that Type 1 is not more severe than Type 2, contrary to popular belief. And that sometimes Type 2 is worse and you are sicker. It makes me feel better, and scares me at the same time.
I never want to use it as an excuse.
But I'm feeling very sick.
But I must find the strength to move on. I can and I will.
I have the power.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
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"Take a walk through the garden of forgiveness and pick a flower of forgiveness for everything you have ever done. When you get to that time that is now, make a full and total forgiveness of your entire life and smile at the bouquet in your hands because it truly is beautiful.”
― Stephen Richards, Forgiveness and Love Conquers All: Healing the Emotional Self
And you can do it. You have already survived so much. You can get through this. I'm still here. Not going away. ~Nikki
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